Monday, March 16, 2009

it's a mixed emotion month

a month of mistakes, singing, pain, joy, loss, happiness.

first off, my sister-in-law's mom died. my uncle passed away, my dad went into the hospital, i was freaking out and having a rough time with all the sadness, and i just broke down.

it's heading towards normal again. but i made another mistake.
every day is a mistake.

not as in "i want to kill myself." but like i can never seem to make the right decision.

last night nathan and i got into an arguement. it started with me trying to perfect my cheesecake, him pushing my hand so i'd hit the cheesecake and ruin it (which ended up not happening), me slapping him and yelling "faggot" in the process, him spitting orange juice on me, and in the end, me flipping him off and telling him i hate him.
and all night rachel (nathan's fiance) was kinda teasing me and complaining about me making a cheesecake for nic, which is usually nathan's job. so i was already a little annoyed. then i was reading my book, 10 or 20 pages away from the end and she was like "Sarah, put in a movie, pick one out. watch it with me" so me, not wanting to make her cry by not giving her her way, put my book down, and put in a movie. then she ate, seriously, half the box of fruit snacks and granola bars, and 1/4 of our refrigerator. anything she did bugged me last night. usually i can handle it.. but not last night..

so today.. i pretty much felt like running away because i'm sick of my dad trying to regulate my relationship with nic. i have a boyfriend now. it's a fact. i shouldn't be forced to go on dates with other people (in order to go on more dates with nic) when i have a freaking boyfriend. especially when no one wants to go on a date with me because of that fact. it's SO annoying. i have to admit though, that i did go on a date with Ryan Stock the other night and had SO much fun, but that was rare. Ryan actually understands my case and agreed to go on a date with me anyways, even though, he knew, in a way i used him (which is not what i'm getting at because i enjoyed every second of the date).
i just hate the rule. especially because anytime i hang out with nic, and a couple days later he and morgan and kelsey plan something SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO fun, i can't go.
like today, i went swimming with the 3 of them, and found out that tomorrow, they're all going up to Heber to ride quads and go shooting... which i've wanted to do for a long time! but no.. now i can't go because dad considers today a date.

i liked dad better when he was in the hospital and away from the house..

oh well... all-state auditions were friday...
i didn't make it.
i'm bummed... but there's always next year.

"fit to the mood" quote for the day:
When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? Whatever it is, it's a good indication of what you're made of.”

i'm happy right now though. for some odd reason. even though a choice i made today and so many other days can change the whole rest of my life.. most likely for the bad...
officially... i am an idiot... for making that choice.

and this is where i say my goodbye and beg my mom for jamba juice to sooth my frustration.

when chocolate is most women's remedy for stress/PMSing, mine is the creamy, sweet, Orange Dream Machine smoothie from Jamba Juice.

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