Friday, June 3, 2011

raw.

disclaimer: this is not meant to offend any of the people i've called my friends, or for anyone to feel sorry for me. just another entry. emotions, thoughts, growth.
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from the time i was born to now, i've never felt a sense of belonging.
i've had one singular best friend growing up, then as a preteen, another best friend came along and we made a triangle of bestfriendship.
even my own family sometimes, mostly just the computer games... cough World cough of Warcraft.. cough cough. {i really do love you guys! :P}
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|joyschool| - with all of the kids in my ward, i saw them ALL the time. but i never felt that sense of belonging.
|junior high| no particular clique. hardly saw my best friends, because a) i moved to Show Low in the middle 8th grade and b) they were a grade ahead of me.
tried to fit in with girls from my new ward, no success really.
|9th grade| - first semester {in Show Low} - i hung out with seniors. obviously not fitting in..
 {second semester - moved back to Mesa - went to Kino} made new friends, out of pity for me, i've always assumed, because all i did was sit by myself outside of orchestra, waiting for lunch to be over.
|sophomore year| - occasionally i'd hang out with them. trying so hard to be the right kind of goody-good-mormon-girl-friend, but in the end always having to invite myself.
|junior year| - cue: Nicholas. (not a bad thing. i do have a point to this) sometimes hanging out with mentioned friends.
best friends graduate. don't see one of them until a-whole-nother year later. the other i'd get together with a few times.
|senior year|- original best friend {"forever"} doesn't really speak to me for who knows what reason.
completely attached at the hip to Nicholas.
graduation.

--a year since--
new ward. primary calling. strangers.
still less than 1% {of a previous lifetime of} contact with original best friend.
practically zero amount of hanging out with friends. busy working. figuring out what to do with my life.
failing at sorting my miserable life out.
still trying to sort it out, frustrated in the process.
feeling lost.


where religion plays into this: i know they say "when you're lost, turn to God", but even when i have done all that i'm supposed to in the church, i don't fit in. i love the gospel with all my heart and know it is true and i trust Him with my whole existence {how ironic.. seeing how he really is the one in control.}, i'm not saying anything otherwise, promise. i guess i just haven't had a reassurance of my grand purpose on earth yet.

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the only place i feel a real belonging, proud to claim the ownership to this title:
future wife and best friend to Nicholas Dale Waggoner.
the only person i know i can count on to spend time with me, even if i've already seen him that day,
to hold me when i cry,
to kiss my fears away,
to promise me everything will be alright,
to make me feel like a princess.

and i feel equal belonging to his family.
especially his mom- so sweet, loving, accepting, and amazing.
all of his family, including extended, have welcomed me with open arms. they all make me feel at home.
i really love them. i can't even explain the love i have for them.


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i'm realizing the people i truly love are the ones that matter. i don't need to impress other people to feel like i belong. because i have people that love me for who i am. and this is the life that God has given me, so none of it is going to be taken for granted.

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each day.
step by step.
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i have so many more thoughts, and i haven't accurately written out all of the above thoughts, but it is now time for me to do something productive.

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bonsoir, ├ętoiles